"Faith: not wanting to know what is true." -Friedrich Nietzsche

I love my life to death, I really do. But sometimes I get myself in fuddup situations, and like seriously I don't know how I manage to deal. Like I know the difference from right and wrong. But I love doing things I'm not suppose to. It's like weird. I don't know maybe I'm just clinically crazy or some shitz. But on the real, I do some of the most bizarre things. I don't feel awkward about it, but at the same time I look back reflect on it and I cringe. Why am I such a nutcase?! I really do have a hard time explaining what I'm trying to say. It is really getting in the way of me trying to get my point across in this blog. 

Yesterday was a weird day for me. New term. Let me just explain the emotional rollercoaster ride I experienced yesterday. I woke up feeling tired but excited/ nervous. First block I felt like I had no friends. Though I did have some in that class. I just feel like they don't enjoy my presence. Second block I was so thrilled to see everyone! I was so outgoing, loud, and happy. During lunch I was pretty content, then turned into happy happy happy ^_^, but that soon ended once I entered third block. Third block KILLED me it really did. I just wanted to dismiss myself and cry in the bathroom. But I felt so trapped, like I couldn't say anything without being completely judged. And I cannot have the attention of all those kids I hate on me. I would just turn out badly. So I didn't say a single word that block. Fourth block was pretty alright for me, it's a class where I feel like I can relax without feeling judged, stressed, or shy. 

That's another thing that gets me. I'm so uncomfortable with myself. I'm so shy. I hate meeting new people, unless I feel like I'm better than them (though that sounds horrible). I feel like everyone else has everything worked out. And I'm just the ugly ducking that has lost it's mother. 

BAH loosing circulation in my hands, mwhaha. They're turning all purpley.  

But as I was saying. I just feel like scum compared to everyone else my age. Though most of my friends aren't my age. And will soon be leaving me... :/ FML.

I'm such a drama queen too. :p Someone slap me, if I ever start sounding like a psycho around you. 

That's another thing. I'm such a psychopath. Especially when it comes to guys. I crush on boys too easily, and always giving them too much slack. And then I act like a psycho and yell at them when they don't like me back. Why am I so stupid???????

"What doesn't destroy me, only makes me stronger."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Recently:

-Pink Floyd

-Dependent

-Unsure/ uneasy

-No school

-Medicine for my eczema

-Plenty of time to read, but I forget I should

-New pointe shoes (that still need to be sewn and broken in)

-Ellouise (my puppy) keeping me warm at night

-Haven't been taking my vitamins (tisk tisk)

-Not having a desire to take photos

-Not being able to get through a roll of film

-Thrift shops

-Lack of communication with people I care about

-Messy room

-Tons of laundry to fold

-A cut on my finger

-Unprepared to go back to school

-Curiously awaiting to see what of piece of shit freshman are in my Journalism class

-Slightly sad, but don't know why

-Seeing if Olivia calls me like she said she would...

-Doesn't know what to wear tomorrow if we do indeed have school

-My hair looks like shit, but it's clean :)

 

******************

It snowed a lot today. I really don't have much to say. 

I'm too tired to function, I had a long night last night.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............

EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM.

Tomorrow Olivia, my mother, and I are packin' up early in the morning and heading up to D.C.! We are catering some inauguration party on pennsylvania ave. fancy, eh? I think so. I'll be back late Tuesday evening. BYE <3

"Lover face, I want to make you ejaculate until it's no longer fun."

I no longer have pinky toe nails, and I have ingrown big to nails. My feet are killin' me! BWAH! So today Cynthia told me my posture is getting better, :D YAY!  I've been working hard, so I'm glad it's paying off. But bad news is that my shoes are molded wrong. I've been standing on them the wrong way this whole time! So I need to work hard to remold my shoes, which fucking sucks because I have auditions on the 25th. :( Hopefully I can do alright. I probably won't make it, but I just need to try hard. It's going to be my first dance audition ever. So I'm so nervous, and I don't expect to make it. I should get started on my french homework :ppppp.

DARN

JUST DANCE, SPIN THAT RECORD BABE.

SO...

Today I had dance, and I've just been getting SO frustrated. My posture is horrible, I kept falling out my pirouettes. I'm being told I've been standing on my shoes wrong. I totally butchers pique turns on the left side, I can't spot to save my life. I ended up turning in a complete circle. My feet were killing me from wearing heels all day and pointe shoes just weren't settling with me today. >:l Now, I'm twice as nervous about my auditions, because I SUCK. I'm ten times more likely to get denied now more than ever. I wish Ms. Allison was still teaching me. But I love Cynthia as well. I am just not getting the technique. Hopefully I catch on soon. Second drafts are doing tomorrow FML. I'm totally PMS as well. I'm SO bloated. It's unbearable. 

NVUEJKNIOEWANVAIRUENETUIBNILSENVFJKLDNKFJBNJKFSGVJLRENVH FDNBJAFBNAFJKBISURJBNSELKGNVSFDNIVKRJLNBISFD

GRAWR!

WINNER

I won my shoes.

:D

60% CACAO

Today was typical. I went to work I came home, computered, then went out with Maxx. Got some more polaroid film. She's going to get me a signed polaroid picture of Obama when she uses my camera to go to the ball :))) <3. Then we went to the Stones. Hung out, chilled, talked. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm looking into buying these shoes on eBay. <33333

Hello My Name Is:

Hi my name is Gabriella and I spend my time watching Paula Abdul music videos, listening to The Beatles, and dancing. I'm not as interesting as I'd like to be, but I'm surely not boring. I haven't figured myself out yet, I have no clue what I am, what I like, or what my purpose is on this Earth. I go around doing anything and everything I can do. Just looking for some meaning. There are so many philosophies of how/why we're here, but I want the REAL answer. I refuse to be one of those housewives that clean, cook, and make babies to pass down the family name.  I want to be famous, I want to be a somebody (with meaning and value). Sometimes I figure I'd be better off boring, better off doing the things everyone else does, and not doing the things everyone else does. I feel like I'd be more personable if I settled down from my constant search. People don't like most of the things I do, or most of the things I say. I've tried a little bit of everything. I'm 15 going on 16 and I've done/ been doing things that I shouldn't be doing for my age. But whose to say what's right and what's wrong? I still can't tell the difference, obviously. I try to present myself well, and I feel like my appearance sends off a good vibe, but when people sit down and get to know me then tend to shy off. Too crazy? Too liberal? Too dramatic? Too insane? Too little effort? Too outspoken? Too shy? I can't seem to get it right with the people I meet. Not many people stick around for me, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Can someone please tell me why/what I'm doing wrong? I need to find some meaning and settle down with who I am. I feel like I have multiple personalities within me. I'm kind, I'm peaceful, I'm insane, I'm dumb, I'm smart, I'm ignorant, I'm easy-going, I'm uptight, I'm wild, I'm silly. I'm lost, that's what I really am. Lost in all these personalities and emotions. Is there something wrong with me? Or are all teenagers this way? Most kids my age seem pretty content with themselves on the outside, but are they all wrecks like me on the inside? Crying out, looking for themselves as well? Maybe I really am insane. I wouldn't doubt it. 

**** Sorry that I'm not making any sense, that's the only way I can put how I feel.

It's unorganized. 

:p

As of right now I'm looking for summer dance intensives that I should probably go to. I'm scared though, I hate meeting new people. I'm so shy, and getting sent off to a camp that I will know not a single person at!? Forget it. They will all probably hate me, for no reason. Just because most dancers are like that, they are so stuck up. But oh well, I should go to one. Or else I'm never going to grow as a dancer. 

"And I'm working hard at it every day but no matter what I do, I make the same mistakes that I'm trying not to."-GCH

Today was my first day back at school since before break. I didn't get to bed until 3 last night. It seems like my entire break just melting one day into the next. I hardly remember it, and I was a good kid all break. I feel like since I put my blog URL in my myspace profile that my blog is now open to the entire world. But I could honestly care less. I bought my polaroid last night! :) I have ballet tonight, but I'm so tired. I think I'll go grab some coffee soon.


Tonight, I just got back from ballet. We did some partnering, but it was simple stuff. I get so scared on pointe though, I kept falling out of my pirouettes. :p Yucky. So weather.com says it won;t start raining until 6am. It looks as if we're going to school. YAY! But it should be raining all day tomorrow according to that website. Which mean maybe a possible Wednesday off? Doubt it.




Ob-La-Di-Ob-La-Da Life goes on!





I'm looking at my french homework, and I think I have decided to go do it instead of sitting here using this blog to cleanse out all the thoughts I had today.

<3

&&&&&&&&

Olivia is passed out next to me,
I love that girl dearly she is my best friend.
AND will be FOR LIFE.



Mhmmm.



My life was saved today by Billy and his mother.
((THANK THE LORD))

I have a corn bag on my neck right now i just made myself some hot water with a lemon slice and took a Tylenol PM.


I should be dozing off soon.

Back to Square 1.

Nothing ever works out right for me.

Finally found something that focused most of my attention and made me happy,

now it's just a reminder that I suck at life.

What else is new.

Way to fuck up again Gabriella.

You fckin' rock.

Oh well I'm a big girl, 

nothing I can't handle.

I think I blog way too much. I don't have a life. Obviously.

Listening to Jack Johnson

Wondering what I'm doing tomorrow.

My sister wants to go get a haircut.

My laptop is going to die soon.

Dance starts back up on Monday.

I still have homework.

I want to finish my book.

I think I may go do that in a few minutes.

I need to go drink some airborne, hopefully fight off this cold.

Wishing my phone was buzzing with a text/ call.

Wants my lips to stop itching.

Doesn't want to work Saturday AND Sunday.

Wishes someone was sitting right next to me.

Should go take one of her vitamins.

Loves her mother.

Needs to find a new show.

Should buy a new pair of pointe shoes.

Has 15 minutes remaining on her laptop battery life.

A clean slate.

I think I should be spending my time doing something more constructive.

Hasn't partied in a long time, and I feel good about it.

Now listening to The Beatles- Abbey Road, White Album.

Come together right now.

Misses 2008.

Feels distant.

After and evening of...

Performing at First Night in Warrenton, being stone cold, surprising BTF at exactly 12:00, and finishing the night off with hanging out with Olivia, Maxine, Andrew, Matt, Ian, Harry, and Mike at Gerb's house. I feel as if my New Year's eve wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. We stayed up looking for matches on eHarmony for my mother's friends, joked, smiled, and laughed.

Not too shabby.