hello sunshine

Thinking about it...

2009-06-28T03:19:00.001-04:00

I probably do have a personality disorder.

Boom, Shake, Drop.

2009-05-31T17:32:00.001-04:00

I'm not much of a blogger.

I don't think I'll be able to handle it.

2009-05-17T21:03:00.004-04:00

I wish I was born a few years earlier.

Or maybe, I shouldn't have gotten involved with kids a few years older than me.

I've lost bonds with my fellow peers , I don't know if I'm going to be comfortable rekindling them.

I feel like I'm on a different level, not as in maturity or that I'm better then them.

I can't explain it, I can't explain anything. :p stupid.

They annoy me, enough said.

Being stuck in Fauquier County for two more years is two years too long. Losing everyone that I've shared my life with for these past years/ months/ days.

Everyone's so boring, shallow, narrow-minded.

Class of 2011, get on my level.

I'm two cups in my coffee break,

2009-05-03T21:29:00.001-04:00

My shit's all over the place.

I hardly sleep.

Bring me summer,

I want to breathe again.

Murphy's Law,

2009-04-16T20:02:00.003-04:00

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

I've drank about 1250 mL of water today, I'm feeling hydrated.

Currently listening to Amy Winehouse.

I'm feeling blue, not sure why though. I wish there was more people I could rely on these days.

Freaking Grease rehearsal tomorrow! BAH.

Getting my haircut Saturday, them prom, then I don't know.

I'm fabulous, just saying. Hah. :)

grown.

2009-04-14T23:37:00.002-04:00

Why haven't some people grown up yet.

Nobody cares about your ignorant trash names you have for them.

You're all asses, enjoy yourselves. <3

Aphrodite;

2009-04-14T00:29:00.003-04:00

The goddess of love, lust, and beauty.

The world is slowing making a U-turn underneath me.

Olivia and I have been discussing the fact that all of our friends are going to be leaving this year and moving onto bigger and better things.

We've concluded that we grew up too fast, we hung out with kids older than us as freshmen, we left our friends, we traded lifestyles of sport events/ day dates/ and slumber parties for late nights filled with subconsciousness.

We witnessed things many 14 and 15 year olds have yet to witness.

We know the tips and tricks of not puking all over yourself but pacing.

The hazy mornings are now easily dealt with, and we don't even have to mention how shitty we feel.

Innocence doesn't have a place or time.

It was a rush, that is clotting.

______________________

Life will probably be different next year, the feeling of being one step ahead...

vulnerable~

2009-04-08T21:45:00.002-04:00

-that's what I am right now, in every sense of the word.

hanging in there.

AMERICA RUNS ON DUNKIN'

2009-04-07T19:39:00.002-04:00

So I'm in New York, doing the whole bi-annual visit thing. I'm trying to act like I want to be here, but I'm not doing a very good job. I blew through all the money (120$) that my grandmother gave me-- at Forever XXI of course.

People bother me-- lately.

I wish I wasn't so stupid with other people's feelings.

It's really gotten me nowhere.

I wish he liked me again, there is no hope that the candle can be rekindled...

Foolish, foolish, foolish.

I
2009-04-06T19:54:00.001-04:00
I just arrived in New York about an hour ago.
And it SUCKS.

I hate coming up here and wasting my break, when I could be hanging out with my friends. :(

I'll be home soon w-ton, don't miss me too much.

I've been very blogative lately.

2009-04-02T13:10:00.006-04:00

I'm in a weird mood, as always.

I'll try not to bore you guys with all that icky stuff.

So I've been reading Twilight, it's good (like everyone said).

John Mayer and I are getting married.

His music is lovely.

I feel like writing everyone I know little love letters <3

groundbreaking.

2009-04-01T23:02:00.001-04:00

I think I may consider starting to read Twilight....

Keeping my mind off things. :)

Days like these,

2009-04-01T17:41:00.001-04:00

photo brought to you by: amber laing.

Badda Bing Badda Bang.

2009-04-01T15:53:00.003-04:00

I feel like a little kid right now, and not in a good way.

I feel so naive, and vulnerable.

No body wants to hurt me, but I can feel it coming.

.VANISH.

cold feet.

2009-03-31T15:22:00.002-04:00

***Today I woke with 0 new text messages. (bummer)

I'm trying my best not to let things bother me. Just kind of brush it off, ya know?

I don't think I'm going to KD and the beach this weekend so I'll be in war-town or maybe LoCo with Maxine.

Spending the weekend with her will be a blast, because I absolutely adore her.

I need a weekend away, so this will be good.

NO WORK :)

Working for the weekend.

2009-03-29T17:06:00.002-04:00

I WORKED ALL THIS WEEKEND. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME. BUT THE NEXT THREE WEEKENDS I'M NOT WORKING DUE TO SPRING BREAK AND PROM. I'M EXCITED ABOUT PROM, I GUESS. I WISH BILLY WOULD ASK ME. I DON'T KNOW WHO HE'S TAKING, IF ANYONE. I WISH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME, AND NOT BE SUCH AN IGNORANT SELFISH BITCH. ALL I THOUGHT ABOUT WAS MYSELF, AND I DIDN'T TAKE THE TIME TO LOOK AROUND AND CHERISH THOSE WHO CARED/ LIKED ME FOR WHO I WAS.

WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING I COULDN'T REMEMBER MY DREAM; I WISH I DID. OLIVIA AND I SANG MOULIN ROUGE SONGS AND ONE OF THE LINES WAS:

"LOVE MAKES US ACT LIKE WE ARE FOOLS."

THOUGH I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER LOVED SOMEONE, I STILL LIKE PEOPLE ALOT. AND I ACT LIKE A FOOL SO THAT LYRIC COULDN'T BE ANY MORE RIGHT.

BUT YEAH, AGAIN WITH THIS WEEKEND.

FRIDAY: OLIVIA CHRISTIE AND I ALL HUNG OUT IT WAS A GRAND OLE TIME. WE ATE PANERA, TOOK SOME PICTURE, AND LEFT.

SATURDAY: I WORKED ALL DAY, CAME HOME, WENT TO CHRISTIE'S (SKETCH) HAHA, THEN WENT OUT TO THE HOOKAH BAR. IT WAS FUN, I ENJOYED MYSELF, I ENJOYED SEEING BILLY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER... :/

SUNDAY: WORK WORK WORK, GAYYYYYY.

C'EST LA VIE.

& everything will be okay.

2009-03-26T22:16:00.003-04:00

Today was an alright day. I went to Vint Hill gym and balled it up with Amanda, came home, and was a bit upset to what I had to deal with.

Tony is going on Saturday, and he just asked me if I wanted to show up with him.

So I shall.

Pieces of the people we love.

2009-03-26T16:41:00.003-04:00

I tend to hurt the ones that care about me the most.

I don't mean to;

I really don't

I promise.

"No one really knows just how far she will go."

2009-03-24T18:43:00.002-04:00

I don't understand; why?

daFUNK

2009-03-23T22:13:00.001-04:00

I've been in a weird mood like all day.

Problems don't find me, I find them.

Like mother, like daughter.

2009-03-22T17:54:00.000-04:00

I'M A FOOL.

PATHETIC.

2009-03-17T23:20:00.000-04:00

I hate you Mason, I can't believe you have my blog. :(

Daylight Savings Time

2009-03-09T17:21:00.000-04:00

Is fucking me up, I had the hardest time trying to fall asleep last night! it was the worst!

But today was alright for me, nothing too strenuous.

I have dance tonight, and had rehearsal earlier.

:pp

^

2009-03-05T22:14:00.002-05:00

Today I got my molds done for my braces, those puppies will be on my face March 19th.
Joy... but I can't wait to get me some puurfect teeef.

Tomorrow I have an eye appt. goshh. Ms. Dillion is going to shit herself from me missing all of these rehearsals... C'est la vie.
If she wants to find a replacement Cha-Cha then be my guest...

G0o0o0DNIGHT

...it's been 9 years since my last confession...

2009-03-03T22:57:00.002-05:00

I know the title of this blog is a bit weird, but it was the first thing that came to mind.

Today was fun, I rekindled my Halo 3 candle, went shopping, and hung out with some of my favorite people.

It was my sister's birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA!

I had an interesting conversation via text as well.

1 hour delay tomorrow...

I guess I'll try to get some sleep. :)

Goodnight.

march 1st

2009-03-01T18:22:00.002-05:00

currently listening to aerosmith. wishing school would close right now. freezing. just finished writing and essay and rewriting 2 other essays. that's it. billy texted me today, weird. i have grease rehearsal on friday until 5, joy. happy birthday christie. :)

<----->

2009-02-24T18:51:00.004-05:00

About a year ago... Amber and I took a trip out to Rady Park and took a bunch of photos. EX) above and below

I miss those days.

Once it gets warmer I want to take a daily trip over there. I enjoy being outdoors.
I want to go up to Shenandoah and go hiking up there too!
I miss going up there monthly with my sister, brother, and mother.

Spring better be around the corner. :)

I'm at a loss of things to do:

2009-02-19T18:21:00.003-05:00

I don't have dance or Grease rehearsal today.

I feel so empty without anything to do, but I guess it's nice :)

Maxx and I got Starbucks then sat in the sun of the parking lot and talked. It was nice. :)

Something good happened today :)

Yesterday I broke my big toe nail and it was all bleeding underneath, then I had to break in my new pointe shoes.
Let me tell you, I put my feet in those babies and it felt like I put my feet in cement blocks. They were so hard, damnn.
My feet were crying by the end, but soon enough they'll be nice and broken in.

Tomorrow the NOVA campus in Loudoun is performing Five Women the Same Dress. I wanted to go see it, but I don't have a ride... darnnn. But they are performing on Saturday and sometime the next weekend and in March. So I might have a chance to go see it sometime.

So Taylor has agreed to taking me to school in the morning. :) That makes me happy. I just need to get away from my family in the morning. They are all so cranky. My Mom always bitches at me about my driving, and my sister is always throwing a fit and making me tardy. :/ GRRR.

I should be doing Douglas homework... :/

silly.

2009-02-18T17:46:00.000-05:00

I'm about 18-19 months away from having that perfect smile. :B

BLURB

2009-02-17T20:54:00.004-05:00

I spend my time doing things like youtubing Paula Abdul and Madonna music videos, googling hours of operation, looking at how many calories I'm taking in, blogging, and drooling over Prince music videos.

For some odd reason I love music videos. :/ Beats me.

I love Paula Abdul's choreography though.

I'm slightly bizarre, but it doesn't bother me too much.

*Hopefully I can get this Douglas homework done by 9:30.
I'll keep my fingers crossed.

I have my first ortho appt. today.
My teeth will be getting braces in 2 more appts.

My elbow hurts. REALLY BAD.
I am now running on reserve battery power, GREAT!

GRABBING MY CHARGER!
DONE, DONE, DONE

Tomorrow is my very first dance rehearsal for Grease, MUCH EXCITE.
The dancing part is my forte for sure!

Personally, I think I start to look more and more like my mother everyday. But that's just a personal opinion...

I have to restart my computer now, BYE.

<3

2009-02-16T15:43:00.000-05:00

Let's get lifted.

2009-02-16T15:17:00.002-05:00

----------Find me a man like this, and I'll be satisfied for the rest of my life.

My hair is currently air drying, it's looking voluptuous from my point of view.

I have my first read through tomorrow. It's exciting, seeing as I haven;t been in a musical since like 5th grade. (and 5th grade "musicals" are shitz anyways.)

I picked up my film yesterday, and I was content with some of them, I need to get batteries for my flash.

GRR.

I need to grab my calendar and organize all the shit I have going on. :/

I've become a busy girl, and I'm happy about it.

I've sorted out the stuff I want in life and the things I can live without. I finally feel like I'm going somewhere.

I'm inspired.

I'm nervous about college though. I need better grades. I need to put a resume together for dance shit too. I'm going to forget a lot of stuff if I don't get that resume started now. Too bad my old resume is lost somewhere in the crashes of my old computer. :'(

I'll start on that today I guess.

I also have homework. :p

What am I going to do with my life..... D:

These are occupations that I've thought of throughout my life:

- Choreographer

- Actress

- Dancer/ Ballerina

- Back-up dancer

- Wedding photographer

- Photojournalist (that's what my mom has been trying to push me towards, bizarre)

- The typical, get rich and famous, doing nothing. :p

- Broadway performer (doesn't everyone?)

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

help me.

"It's not in the way you look, or the things that you say that you do."

2009-02-15T23:54:00.002-05:00

I love that picture of Ajua <333

I feel sick right now :p

blehh.

Tomorrow is President's Day, which means no school! WAHHOOO. Then on Tuesday I have my first ortho. appt. Which should be interesting... And my first read through of Grease.

Which is yet another dance class missed...

Ms. Dillion better know that I can't skip anymore Tuesday's after this coming up Tuesday. Gr.

Feb. 14, Feb. 15, Feb. 16.

2009-02-15T18:38:00.002-05:00

The ballet was fun, I enjoyed myself.

I always get inspired out of things like that.

Last night was Valentine's Day and I went to see Coraline with Evan from work.

And tonight I'm supposed to be hanging out with Andy.

I should go get ready now. :p

P.S.

2009-02-12T17:54:00.000-05:00

I'm going to see Richmond Ballet preform Cinderella! :)

Tomorrow should be a good day :))))

Heart It Races.

2009-02-12T16:42:00.002-05:00

So today I was expecting to see what role I made in our spring musical, Grease, but noooooooo. She decided to push it back one more day, JOY. Gahhhh, I'm so excited though. I hope she read my audition form throughly because I'm not able to come Tuesdays. I need to be with the company practicing for Sleeping Beauty, and the May 1st show. I'm doing a tap number with Janna. :) I love tap! Cynthia said when I'm here in the summer that I could teach a little kids tap class and get all my summer classes free! Wahhooo. That makes me happier. As I was saying today..... Gym classes was alright, I flipped when I went into that Lions Trailer to get my eyes tested and I couldn't see anything on the first circle! I had to back my head up and the man yelled at me and told me to press my face against the thing. Grrr. But then english came, and that class !always! makes me laugh. I didn't the story I was supposed to read the night before, and I ended up acing the test that she gave to us about it. DayuummmM! Math was alright, I hate math but right now it's easier for me since we've already done like half of this stuff. Maybe I'll get all A's and B's this term! :D As of right now I have an A in math, gym, and journalism, and a B in english. I would say I'm doing pretty well. :) Then came journalism and I typed up my entire english essay in there in 10 minutes. Probably one of the easiest things of my life! And I got most of my story for the paper done. I feel pretty accomplished today, all I have left is some Douglas homework :p and I need to study my vocabulary words. Hopefully I can finish of my roll of film and get it developed tonight! :D

GRAWR//

2009-02-10T21:17:00.002-05:00

So I got my film developed yesterday and Christie pointed out to me that my film was all misaligned, but it wasn't too bad. But I put my disc in and POW everything is totally FUDDUP. My pictures are totes in half and some of the pictures on the disc the moron didn't give me prints of. I knew I was missing pictures and I found them, but I don't have them on print paper. >:l

Upsetting... && I'm sure my film is misaligned right now, and I don't know how to fix it without killing my film.

So heres to another roll of shitty pictures!

My mind tends to wonder.

2009-02-05T17:01:00.004-05:00

I think everyone has two side to them, the kind of person they want to be, and the kind of person they really are [my friend Billy proposed this idea to me]. To be quite honest I don't know anything about myself. I don't know who I think I am, but I'm not sure if I can trust anyone to tell me who I am. It's all relative I guess. I could probably just go in circles with that topic so I won't get into it.

Today at lunch I was discussing with my table what if the government has already; created a time machine, learned how to birth a dinosaur, knows how to read the minds of all of it's citizens? These are the things I like to think about in my free time. I mean seriously why would the government/ scientist release any of this information? It would just cause complete chaos. Whatever.

Lately the term "whore" has come up a lot. So many people have either called me one to my face, talked about me being one behind my back, or have heard it by rumor. It's not flattering, but whatever. I'll try harder to not be such a "whore, that will give it up to anyone." <-- actual quote. :/

So, I'm not sure how to feel right now about this situation that has been brought to my attention. Not sure if I should bring it up at all now that I think about it... :'(

I wish Billy would return my phone calls... I miss that kid. Doubt he could say the same about me. I knew it would come to this eventually. Good things never last.

Tomorrow's Friday: Maxx comes home! :D We're going to hangout, not sure what we'll do but it'll be fun no doubt. It always is :) Then on Saturday is my audition for Alvin Ailey, later that night I was invited to go to the Stone's house, but I don't know if i'll go or not/?? Sunday I'm working 'till like 3, than hanging out with Mason. If he doesn't bail on me.

I don't know what it is about that kid, we've liked each other on and off since I was in like 8th grade and he was 7th. It's a weird situation. I don't quite know how I feel about it now that he talks to EVERYONE. Whatever. We'll see how things play out.

"If you lie you don't deserve to have friends, if you like you don't deserve to have them." -CIWWAF

2009-02-02T22:02:00.002-05:00

My feet hurt :P I have a gigantic blister on my poor little pinky toe. My teacher is making me take my new shoes back and get harder shanks. Grrr, so much work for these silly pair on shoes. I'm pretty sure my right shoe is dead :( and I have auditions Saturday which means i;m going to receive another denial email.

"I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time." -FN

2009-02-01T18:34:00.001-05:00

I just realized, having met tons of people in my life. I don't leave good impressions. I think I've completely trashed my reputation.

"Faith: not wanting to know what is true." -Friedrich Nietzsche

2009-01-31T16:13:00.002-05:00

I love my life to death, I really do. But sometimes I get myself in fuddup situations, and like seriously I don't know how I manage to deal. Like I know the difference from right and wrong. But I love doing things I'm not suppose to. It's like weird. I don't know maybe I'm just clinically crazy or some shitz. But on the real, I do some of the most bizarre things. I don't feel awkward about it, but at the same time I look back reflect on it and I cringe. Why am I such a nutcase?! I really do have a hard time explaining what I'm trying to say. It is really getting in the way of me trying to get my point across in this blog.

Yesterday was a weird day for me. New term. Let me just explain the emotional rollercoaster ride I experienced yesterday. I woke up feeling tired but excited/ nervous. First block I felt like I had no friends. Though I did have some in that class. I just feel like they don't enjoy my presence. Second block I was so thrilled to see everyone! I was so outgoing, loud, and happy. During lunch I was pretty content, then turned into happy happy happy ^_^, but that soon ended once I entered third block. Third block KILLED me it really did. I just wanted to dismiss myself and cry in the bathroom. But I felt so trapped, like I couldn't say anything without being completely judged. And I cannot have the attention of all those kids I hate on me. I would just turn out badly. So I didn't say a single word that block. Fourth block was pretty alright for me, it's a class where I feel like I can relax without feeling judged, stressed, or shy.

That's another thing that gets me. I'm so uncomfortable with myself. I'm so shy. I hate meeting new people, unless I feel like I'm better than them (though that sounds horrible). I feel like everyone else has everything worked out. And I'm just the ugly ducking that has lost it's mother.

BAH loosing circulation in my hands, mwhaha. They're turning all purpley.

But as I was saying. I just feel like scum compared to everyone else my age. Though most of my friends aren't my age. And will soon be leaving me... :/ FML.

I'm such a drama queen too. :p Someone slap me, if I ever start sounding like a psycho around you.

That's another thing. I'm such a psychopath. Especially when it comes to guys. I crush on boys too easily, and always giving them too much slack. And then I act like a psycho and yell at them when they don't like me back. Why am I so stupid???????

"What doesn't destroy me, only makes me stronger."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Recently:

2009-01-28T23:40:00.002-05:00

-Pink Floyd

-Dependent

-Unsure/ uneasy

-No school

-Medicine for my eczema

-Plenty of time to read, but I forget I should

-New pointe shoes (that still need to be sewn and broken in)

-Ellouise (my puppy) keeping me warm at night

-Haven't been taking my vitamins (tisk tisk)

-Not having a desire to take photos

-Not being able to get through a roll of film

-Thrift shops

-Lack of communication with people I care about

-Messy room

-Tons of laundry to fold

-A cut on my finger

-Unprepared to go back to school

-Curiously awaiting to see what of piece of shit freshman are in my Journalism class

-Slightly sad, but don't know why

-Seeing if Olivia calls me like she said she would...

-Doesn't know what to wear tomorrow if we do indeed have school

-My hair looks like shit, but it's clean :)

******************

2009-01-27T21:07:00.002-05:00

It snowed a lot today. I really don't have much to say.

I'm too tired to function, I had a long night last night.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............

EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM.

2009-01-18T22:47:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow Olivia, my mother, and I are packin' up early in the morning and heading up to D.C.! We are catering some inauguration party on pennsylvania ave. fancy, eh? I think so. I'll be back late Tuesday evening. BYE <3

"Lover face, I want to make you ejaculate until it's no longer fun."

2009-01-14T23:02:00.002-05:00

I no longer have pinky toe nails, and I have ingrown big to nails. My feet are killin' me! BWAH! So today Cynthia told me my posture is getting better, :D YAY! I've been working hard, so I'm glad it's paying off. But bad news is that my shoes are molded wrong. I've been standing on them the wrong way this whole time! So I need to work hard to remold my shoes, which fucking sucks because I have auditions on the 25th. :( Hopefully I can do alright. I probably won't make it, but I just need to try hard. It's going to be my first dance audition ever. So I'm so nervous, and I don't expect to make it. I should get started on my french homework :ppppp.

DARN

JUST DANCE, SPIN THAT RECORD BABE.

2009-01-13T20:03:00.002-05:00

SO...

Today I had dance, and I've just been getting SO frustrated. My posture is horrible, I kept falling out my pirouettes. I'm being told I've been standing on my shoes wrong. I totally butchers pique turns on the left side, I can't spot to save my life. I ended up turning in a complete circle. My feet were killing me from wearing heels all day and pointe shoes just weren't settling with me today. >:l Now, I'm twice as nervous about my auditions, because I SUCK. I'm ten times more likely to get denied now more than ever. I wish Ms. Allison was still teaching me. But I love Cynthia as well. I am just not getting the technique. Hopefully I catch on soon. Second drafts are doing tomorrow FML. I'm totally PMS as well. I'm SO bloated. It's unbearable.

NVUEJKNIOEWANVAIRUENETUIBNILSENVFJKLDNKFJBNJKFSGVJLRENVH FDNBJAFBNAFJKBISURJBNSELKGNVSFDNIVKRJLNBISFD

GRAWR!

WINNER

2009-01-11T23:06:00.001-05:00

I won my shoes.

:D

60% CACAO

2009-01-11T00:54:00.005-05:00

Today was typical. I went to work I came home, computered, then went out with Maxx. Got some more polaroid film. She's going to get me a signed polaroid picture of Obama when she uses my camera to go to the ball :))) <3. Then we went to the Stones. Hung out, chilled, talked. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm looking into buying these shoes on eBay. <33333

Hello My Name Is:

2009-01-06T23:02:00.004-05:00

Hi my name is Gabriella and I spend my time watching Paula Abdul music videos, listening to The Beatles, and dancing. I'm not as interesting as I'd like to be, but I'm surely not boring. I haven't figured myself out yet, I have no clue what I am, what I like, or what my purpose is on this Earth. I go around doing anything and everything I can do. Just looking for some meaning. There are so many philosophies of how/why we're here, but I want the REAL answer. I refuse to be one of those housewives that clean, cook, and make babies to pass down the family name. I want to be famous, I want to be a somebody (with meaning and value). Sometimes I figure I'd be better off boring, better off doing the things everyone else does, and not doing the things everyone else does. I feel like I'd be more personable if I settled down from my constant search. People don't like most of the things I do, or most of the things I say. I've tried a little bit of everything. I'm 15 going on 16 and I've done/ been doing things that I shouldn't be doing for my age. But whose to say what's right and what's wrong? I still can't tell the difference, obviously. I try to present myself well, and I feel like my appearance sends off a good vibe, but when people sit down and get to know me then tend to shy off. Too crazy? Too liberal? Too dramatic? Too insane? Too little effort? Too outspoken? Too shy? I can't seem to get it right with the people I meet. Not many people stick around for me, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Can someone please tell me why/what I'm doing wrong? I need to find some meaning and settle down with who I am. I feel like I have multiple personalities within me. I'm kind, I'm peaceful, I'm insane, I'm dumb, I'm smart, I'm ignorant, I'm easy-going, I'm uptight, I'm wild, I'm silly. I'm lost, that's what I really am. Lost in all these personalities and emotions. Is there something wrong with me? Or are all teenagers this way? Most kids my age seem pretty content with themselves on the outside, but are they all wrecks like me on the inside? Crying out, looking for themselves as well? Maybe I really am insane. I wouldn't doubt it.

**** Sorry that I'm not making any sense, that's the only way I can put how I feel.

It's unorganized.

:p

2009-01-06T16:11:00.002-05:00

As of right now I'm looking for summer dance intensives that I should probably go to. I'm scared though, I hate meeting new people. I'm so shy, and getting sent off to a camp that I will know not a single person at!? Forget it. They will all probably hate me, for no reason. Just because most dancers are like that, they are so stuck up. But oh well, I should go to one. Or else I'm never going to grow as a dancer.

"And I'm working hard at it every day but no matter what I do, I make the same mistakes that I'm trying not to."-GCH

2009-01-05T15:25:00.002-05:00

Today was my first day back at school since before break. I didn't get to bed until 3 last night. It seems like my entire break just melting one day into the next. I hardly remember it, and I was a good kid all break. I feel like since I put my blog URL in my myspace profile that my blog is now open to the entire world. But I could honestly care less. I bought my polaroid last night! :) I have ballet tonight, but I'm so tired. I think I'll go grab some coffee soon.

Tonight, I just got back from ballet. We did some partnering, but it was simple stuff. I get so scared on pointe though, I kept falling out of my pirouettes. :p Yucky. So weather.com says it won;t start raining until 6am. It looks as if we're going to school. YAY! But it should be raining all day tomorrow according to that website. Which mean maybe a possible Wednesday off? Doubt it.

Ob-La-Di-Ob-La-Da Life goes on!

I'm looking at my french homework, and I think I have decided to go do it instead of sitting here using this blog to cleanse out all the thoughts I had today.

<3

&&&&&&&&

2009-01-04T02:14:00.002-05:00

Olivia is passed out next to me,
I love that girl dearly she is my best friend.
AND will be FOR LIFE.

Mhmmm.

My life was saved today by Billy and his mother.
((THANK THE LORD))

I have a corn bag on my neck right now i just made myself some hot water with a lemon slice and took a Tylenol PM.

I should be dozing off soon.

Back to Square 1.

2009-01-04T02:11:00.001-05:00

Nothing ever works out right for me.

Finally found something that focused most of my attention and made me happy,

now it's just a reminder that I suck at life.

What else is new.

Way to fuck up again Gabriella.

You fckin' rock.

Oh well I'm a big girl,

nothing I can't handle.

I think I blog way too much. I don't have a life. Obviously.

2009-01-01T21:57:00.002-05:00

Listening to Jack Johnson

Wondering what I'm doing tomorrow.

My sister wants to go get a haircut.

My laptop is going to die soon.

Dance starts back up on Monday.

I still have homework.

I want to finish my book.

I think I may go do that in a few minutes.

I need to go drink some airborne, hopefully fight off this cold.

Wishing my phone was buzzing with a text/ call.

Wants my lips to stop itching.

Doesn't want to work Saturday AND Sunday.

Wishes someone was sitting right next to me.

Should go take one of her vitamins.

Loves her mother.

Needs to find a new show.

Should buy a new pair of pointe shoes.

Has 15 minutes remaining on her laptop battery life.

A clean slate.

I think I should be spending my time doing something more constructive.

Hasn't partied in a long time, and I feel good about it.

Now listening to The Beatles- Abbey Road, White Album.

Come together right now.

Misses 2008.

Feels distant.

After and evening of...

2009-01-01T12:35:00.003-05:00

Performing at First Night in Warrenton, being stone cold, surprising BTF at exactly 12:00, and finishing the night off with hanging out with Olivia, Maxine, Andrew, Matt, Ian, Harry, and Mike at Gerb's house. I feel as if my New Year's eve wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. We stayed up looking for matches on eHarmony for my mother's friends, joked, smiled, and laughed.

Not too shabby.

720mg. OMEGA-3's FROM FLAXSEED.

2008-12-30T16:49:00.004-05:00

LAST NIGHT: Around 2 or 3 I finally got out of bed and back on to the computer. I went onto Discountdance.com and found myself a nude leotard for performances coming up. I really didn't need it but at the time I was determined to get one. I played around on my computer, changed the layout and wallpaper. I discovered a lot of new tools too. It was fun.

TODAY: I woke up up later than I intended to. I sprung up once I saw that the clock read 11:07, I ran to the shower and hopped in. Around 10:47 my father and I got in the car and left, on our way to the Plains (for my dress rehearsal). Me not being that hungry, I skipped breakfast and lunch. By the way I think I'm too shy to act, because I absolutely HATE it. I'm being forced to act and I'll probably seem stupid. BUT, I was given another part to learn today :p grawrr. I don't mind too much though, and I look stupid in black jazz shoes. >:l It reminds me of a Peter Pan performance I was forced to do over the summer not too long ago. I was probably the ugliest Peter ever! I'm nervous about tomorrow though.... I hate messing up :p. On a lighter note, rehearsal finally ended and my dad came to pick me up, I drove to Weggies and picked up a Clif Bar & Odwalla Superfood Juice. While everyone stared at me the entire time because i was wearing nothing essentially, but I don't really care. Though I wasn't that hungry I finished both. 58 minutes until Maxine is hear to pick me up for bowling tonight with Olivia, Andrew, Tyler, and Drew. I haven't met Tyler or Drew yet, but I'm sure I won't have a problem with them. I don't really have problems with anyone. I hate arguing all the time. It really wears on a person.

TONIGHT: Olivia, Maxing, Andy, Tyler, Drew, and I all hung out we went to Burger King, the Bowling Alley, the Warrenton Cemetery, and Taco Bell. Olivia and I got in a bit of a tussle, but all in all things worked out. That's what best friends do. :) Now Olivia, Maxx, and myself are sitting in my bed trying to plan New Year's Eve plans.

Can't sleep.

2008-12-30T02:47:00.003-05:00

I sat in bed for about two hours tossing and turning.

I think I'm going to do some online shopping...

I got too much on my mind I guess. :)

New Thoughts for a New Year.

2008-12-29T21:22:00.000-05:00

New Year's Resolutions:

- Leave all the stress out of my life.

- Quit fearing the unknown.

- Not let the traps of society keep me down and blinded.

- Improve my dancing.

- Improve my grades 2nd term.

- Keep friends that make me happy, and leave the one that do otherwise.

- Learn how to express my feeling with words.

- Find a dance intensive that will help me grow more.

- Work on taking pictures that don't make me look like such an amateur.

- Possibly enlist in a photograph class at NOVA over the summer.

- Enjoy the rest of the year with my friends from the class of '09.

- Keep looking for someone that's right for me.

- Keep myself employed at Wegmans.

- Be healthier, quit eating like shit.

- Be friendly to everyone, and anyone.

- Keep a loving heart, and open mind.

- Spend more time with my family.

- Grow my hair all long as it'll go.

- Finally figure out what's wrong with my lips.

- Forgive enemies, it's not worth all the hassle to keep a grudge.

- Convince myself that I AM beautiful inside and out.

- Recycle.

- Make new friends.

- Reverse gears on my vegetarianism. Quit eating fish, and eat chicken instead.

- Get my license in August as planned, and save up money for a car.

- Audition for a part in a play at community theater, or a performance at school.

- Switch out of psychology, and into theatre 1 for term 2.

- Listen to the nice things people have to say about me.

- Drink more water.

- Stop abusing my precious body.

Things just don't seem to make sense anymore.

2008-12-29T19:43:00.000-05:00

The new year is right around the corner. I'm thinking of what my resolution should be? Now I just brought the computer too close to face, and is getting blurrier, but oh well my back hurts less this way.

Well miracles really do happen sometime, I finally picked up a book called, "How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World". I'm really liking it I have a little less than 100 pages left. It's made me come to realized that my life is filled with so many traps. Guilt, jealousy, envy, authority, obligations, commitments, promises, etc. You should do things that make YOU happy but in some instances people do things to make OTHER people happy in search of making themselves feel better that they've helped someone that they care/ or not care about. But as a result they don't feel better. Why take the time to do things you don't want to do? You're only given one life, make the best out of it. It would be such a shame to see someone throw away such a beautiful priceless thing. Never let one thing hold down/ take control of/ or be your life, wether it be a boyfriend, hobby, drugs, etc. Too much of one thing is never a good thing. I've come to realize that my life is a gift, it's such an amazing, beautiful, astonishing piece of work.

I don't believe in God, but I just prefer to keep myself away from religion. But however life came to be in the end we all die. *** I am personally scared shitless of dying. I'm afraid that I won't get to do all the things I've ever wanted to do. I don't want to run out of time. It scares me to know I'll watch the ones I love die, I just hope when the time comes I'll be ready.

I'm currently enrolled in ballet and partnering classes at The Virginia Civic Ballet. I'm so glad I have dance in my life again. I feel like I have direction, a purpose, a future. I'm thinking of majoring in Liberal/ Performing Arts. Too bad no college is going to accept me, my grades are so average. It gets me down, but I think I balance everything pretty well. On Wednesday I am performing with some other dancers at First Night in Warrenton. We are performing Scrooge. I hope I don't do too terribly bad. I haven't danced since like last year around this time. Hopefully Ajua will join up at the studio I am now at. She is wonderful.

Last night I hung out with Maxx, Andrew, Matt, and Harry. We all went to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". I really enjoyed it, and I bet Billy will love it as well. I had fun I stayed the night at Maxx's house and we stayed up, talked, and eventually drifted asleep. We woke up and she took me to dance, my instructor was late the studio was closed. Maxine and I talked some more, and more, and more. Finally Cynthia showed up and we got to work. I feel like I'm going to forget all my choreography. :/ Darn.

I kind of wish I had a boyfriend, but then again it's a bit of a hassle. Kettle Run boys are stupid anyways. So I have no interest in any of them. I don't really have an interest in many people. Some are starting to catch my eye, but nothing to awesome.

Tuesday I am going cosmic bowling with Maxine after rehearsal. She's never been so we're going to change that. Maybe some other kid will come along, but it's alright if they don't

Saturday Christie came over, I really enjoy her presence. She is such a real person, she doesn't pretend to be someone else and I respect her for that.

I'm done now.

A lifestyle not fit for many of you.

2008-12-29T19:35:00.000-05:00

I've made a lifestyle out of late nights that dawn into early mornings, hot teas and black coffee, grandma sweaters, leggings, attention, acoustic music and smooth jazz, procrastination, empty beer cans sprawled all over the place the next morning, waking up next to people that love me, finding a family that is thicker than blood, telling the truth more so than ever, scandal, outfits that just don't seem to make sense anymore, actions that never have the result I'm looking for, incomplete thoughts, poor grammar, average report card grades, dreading Madame's class every day of this term, oversized purses, wishes that never come true, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, boys that never pose the same interest in me, only allowing my mind to focus on one thing at a time, BIG 100.3, clothing that i will never wear and that will forever lay in my closet, envying everything and everyone, being too judgmental yet too loving and carefree also, forever trying to please everyone, wanting to give up on everything that challenges me, preying on the guys I know I can take advantage of, being a fucked up shit head, BTF, being able to seduce anything with legs, innocence, Olivia Louise Christopher, laughing about how my life should be a television series, burning CD's that I will only listen to once and then get bored with it, keeping my mean thoughts in my head for everyone's sake, wanting what I can't have, William Arzander Carmichael, being prepared for the moment where the entire world slips from under my feet once again, the fiery ball of anger that burns in my stomach every time you speak, wanting to cry because I haven't in so long, fearing my father, wondering who my mother thinks she's fooling, pretending like I know what I'm doing when half the time I'm blind to everything, trying to read minds, asking too blunt of questions, being shy when I shouldn't, hanging out with people way older than myself, listening to 80's pop, being overprotective of all of the boys she has ever liked, forgetting birthday and holiday presents, never having a boyfriend that I'm 100 percent confident about, hating all girls that are prettier than me, trying to think what a best friend would do and end up doing the complete opposite, being a spiteful bitch, not letting people walk all over me, dyslexia, fearing that one day i'll be a whale, wishing there was something after there life but I know there isn't, haircuts, bobby pins, dragons and butterflies, my third block lunch table with the people I love, mumbling in french class and getting yelled at, fooling about 98% of everyone, "Life's a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and lets get high.", childhood games, ... tbc